Did I want to be [REDACTED]?

Why do I keep doing this to myself?
I only feel whole when I’m used.
I can’t do a lot of things right, but I’m great at sex. That’s a good thing, right?
Every day I see it again,
“Remember that you’re worth it,”
on a sign I put up in my room
because I’m too fucking lazy
to change it.
But I’m not worth it. Or at least I don’t feel that I am.
They warn you about substance abuse in school,
but so little is disclosed about the reality of addiction
that only now can I look at myself and say I’m a sex addict.
I’ve been a sex addict for years,
desperately trying to find worth in dicks and pussies
because I’m too fucking lazy to change it.
Part of me wishes I watched Friends as a kid,
so then my first exposure to trans women
wouldn’t be porn.
It’s not good representation, mind you,
but anything would be better than this
reputation of “greatness” I’m thrust into,
fucking anyone that will take me,
as I do anything to chase a feeling
that doesn’t involve me hating myself,
because I’m too fucking lazy to change it.
And only now do I realize it’s a problem
after the 3rd time I’ve let myself get [REDACTED]
and the 4th? 5th person I’ve driven away?
I don’t know if any of you can hear me,
or if you even want to,
but I’m sorry. I know my addiction isn't an excuse. I will try to be better.
I’m not too fucking lazy to change it,
and hopefully I’m not too late either.

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