Old Thoughts Reappearing and Disappearing

Old Thoughts Reappearing and Disappearing
by Andrew Harrison

It used to be “all my thoughts are circles”-
a self deceptive enjoyment I held up
of endless futile perpetual motion.
The irony that my memory will disappear,
and no change in humanity will emanate in me.

My stuck comes in cycles, my cycles at least once a month.
Back then, time and time again, I destroyed myself-
it can’t be done by anyone else!
Three years I wish I hadn’t felt
culminating in taking amphetamines
that shouldn’t have been dealt.
Patience, and a new sense of virtue
nursed me back to health.

It used to be, “We’re all still growing!”
A self deceptive expression to a high-school crowd
easily shrugged off. It was then I found
we’re stuck, there’s no living in the now,
just larger circles,
and as much as I try to deny it,
I can’t defy the grip of external stimuli.

See us conditioning ourselves?
Outward expressions and instant sensual gratification – false!
Gained with recent technology, no effort, sacrifice or strain,
just the exchange of a dead man’s face,
a bittersweet embrace, love, drugs, dreams, and money to chase.
It’s an intricate game we nonetheless are forced to play.

Inevitably, impatient, I still seek my thrills,
end up vomiting up my moral fibers
out of infatuation into the fires of
sexual passion incited by two loves
I’ll probably never get to touch
again.

My keen ability
of avoiding rationality
keeps me in circles
arranged concentrically.
The largest, life,
is just the slowest moving.

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