If

If
by C.F. Molina

When I kill myself
I’m going to make sure I shave my head
And strategically shape my beard
And drape myself in foreign cloth

When I kill myself I want to make sure that they report on my death properly
“Latino kid finally offs himself”
That way
Maybe it’ll be less sad for everyone

When I kill myself I’ll be sure to make it quiet
Don’t want to scare the neighbors
And my dog will be at someone else’s house
And my boyfriend will be out of town

When I kill myself I’m going to be alone
just Me and a Gun
And when I kill myself you won’t have to ask why
You’ll know

I felt the word faggot burned on my psyche
I felt the smoke sting my eyes and squeeze every last drop of blood from my body
I felt, and I felt, and I felt
Until I didn’t.

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